He knows that face. The one where her lips firm and she looks so put upon, even as she giving. The makes the mess of his stomach even more oiled, sliding, sloshing everywhere, in the center of a vice that won't stop tightening. On his lungs. On his ribs. On the edges of his vision. On the feeling of desperate loss, and the want to reject it. The feeling like he couldn't take losing both of them, either of them, but definitely not both, suddenly.
Except she shoving as much as she isn't touching him at all. Away from her. Toward Danny. A little sharper and louder the second time. Like she can't believe she's doing this. Which tangles up something in the middle of his heart, and forces it out of his mouth. "Cath -- I --"
It's coming at the same time as motion is finding his body. Like the free fall in a roller coaster. Ratcheting the rung going up -- click, click, click -- that moment of sudden, uncontrollable, stomach evaporating free fall -- nothing like skydiving from 30,000 somehow either -- and then the zoom with gravity and force suddenly catches you, spins you, shove you forward, and your body is unable to stop.
Like his feet, and his hands. The way he's making for the door, those two word bumping in his mouth like someone shoved ice cubes it. Freezing and burning his tongue all at once. When the best he can do, three steps, hand almost on the door is throw back an, "I'm sorry."
That he's barely paying attention to falling out of his own mouth. When it's an apology as much as a thank you. When he doesn't know if he's actually sorry. Except that he is. He's sorry he's throwing her under the bus, even for Danny. He's sorry he's running off without an explanation. He's sorry he couldn't give her one before. He's sorry this is how she found out. He's sorry that she's now complicit in this affair.
He's sorry, most of all, that he doesn't give a damn about any of it, for this second, when he's jerking the door open and gone.
Letting the door slam behind him, all forward movement, calling out his name, too loud when he realizes Danny's actually only about twenty-thirty feet away and not at his car even yet. Choking Danny's name half in his throat, when he knows that's what he should be sorriest for.
For the fact the whole world, the whole god damned world, is nothing at all to Danny.
Looking like he got hit by a car so hard that he can't even run away. Sending it slamming right back into Steve.
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Except she shoving as much as she isn't touching him at all. Away from her. Toward Danny. A little sharper and louder the second time. Like she can't believe she's doing this. Which tangles up something in the middle of his heart, and forces it out of his mouth. "Cath -- I --"
It's coming at the same time as motion is finding his body. Like the free fall in a roller coaster. Ratcheting the rung going up -- click, click, click -- that moment of sudden, uncontrollable, stomach evaporating free fall -- nothing like skydiving from 30,000 somehow either -- and then the zoom with gravity and force suddenly catches you, spins you, shove you forward, and your body is unable to stop.
Like his feet, and his hands. The way he's making for the door, those two word bumping in his mouth like someone shoved ice cubes it. Freezing and burning his tongue all at once. When the best he can do, three steps, hand almost on the door is throw back an, "I'm sorry."
That he's barely paying attention to falling out of his own mouth. When it's an apology as much as a thank you. When he doesn't know if he's actually sorry. Except that he is. He's sorry he's throwing her under the bus, even for Danny. He's sorry he's running off without an explanation. He's sorry he couldn't give her one before. He's sorry this is how she found out. He's sorry that she's now complicit in this affair.
He's sorry, most of all, that he doesn't give a damn about any of it, for this second, when he's jerking the door open and gone.
Letting the door slam behind him, all forward movement, calling out his name, too loud when he realizes Danny's actually only about twenty-thirty feet away and not at his car even yet. Choking Danny's name half in his throat, when he knows that's what he should be sorriest for.
For the fact the whole world, the whole god damned world, is nothing at all to Danny.
Looking like he got hit by a car so hard that he can't even run away. Sending it slamming right back into Steve.