He lets out a breath, lifts one hand just to run a palm over his mouth, eyes squinting up at Steve even though Steve's not looking at him directly. He scrubs at stubble a second before that hand goes back to Steve's leg. Warm, firm muscle under cotton; close enough to smell the remainders of sun on his skin, the warmth radiating off him. He's got no idea why sun-soaked Steve would smell any different from Steve the rest of the time, but even in the purple dusk, he can catch a little of it. Smelling like vacation. Like warmth and comfort and a cool drink on a hot day. Like the weekend.
He wants to bury his face in the crook of Steve's neck and just breathe him in, remind himself that he still has this, that Steve wants him here, but he holds off, for now, like he holds off the majority of the relief trying to stop up every logical thought, telling him they're good, he can stop now.
He can't. He has to make sure it won't happen again, has to shore up against it, cut it out and let it bleed dry somewhere it won't pop up again. "Then I'm gonna do everything I can to stay. If people want to bitch about the rules, or Rachel somehow finds out, it doesn't change a damn thing. No one can say it's screwed with our jobs."
Except that once, even though no one caught them, and he sometimes wonders if it was a hallucination brought on by stress and a concussion. It wasn't. He knows that. Steve really did shove him into a wall at a crime scene and kiss him until Danny's disorientation had nothing whatever to do with being hit in the head.
But it doesn't matter. He's not leaving. He doesn't leave. Didn't leave Rachel, won't leave now. Is fighting to even stay on this island, for Grace, for Five-0. And they've been fine. It hasn't affected the job. They've been good; even Chin and Kono don't know, and if they can hide it from Chin and Kono, then no one's figuring it out.
Nice as it would be to not have to hide. It's not like he doesn't want anyone to know -- though he's really not sure he's up to the teasing he'd have to endure from Kono. He's never been the guy to trumpet his relationship to the world, but...can this even be called that? If Steve is so derisive at the idea of him being a boyfriend, if that word rings panicked alarm bells in Danny's head?
It doesn't matter. He doesn't give a shit what they call it, as long as Steve's not shoving him away. "I said I want to be with you and I meant it. You think I didn't already know about the rest of that crap? Forget about it." Heavy Jersey accent, more mobster than cop, but he doesn't give a shit about that, either. "I'm not giving up the one good thing I've got."
That's not the job, or Grace. Even when Steve thinks it's threatening the job, or Grace. He won't let it.
no subject
He lets out a breath, lifts one hand just to run a palm over his mouth, eyes squinting up at Steve even though Steve's not looking at him directly. He scrubs at stubble a second before that hand goes back to Steve's leg. Warm, firm muscle under cotton; close enough to smell the remainders of sun on his skin, the warmth radiating off him. He's got no idea why sun-soaked Steve would smell any different from Steve the rest of the time, but even in the purple dusk, he can catch a little of it. Smelling like vacation. Like warmth and comfort and a cool drink on a hot day. Like the weekend.
He wants to bury his face in the crook of Steve's neck and just breathe him in, remind himself that he still has this, that Steve wants him here, but he holds off, for now, like he holds off the majority of the relief trying to stop up every logical thought, telling him they're good, he can stop now.
He can't. He has to make sure it won't happen again, has to shore up against it, cut it out and let it bleed dry somewhere it won't pop up again. "Then I'm gonna do everything I can to stay. If people want to bitch about the rules, or Rachel somehow finds out, it doesn't change a damn thing. No one can say it's screwed with our jobs."
Except that once, even though no one caught them, and he sometimes wonders if it was a hallucination brought on by stress and a concussion. It wasn't. He knows that. Steve really did shove him into a wall at a crime scene and kiss him until Danny's disorientation had nothing whatever to do with being hit in the head.
But it doesn't matter. He's not leaving. He doesn't leave. Didn't leave Rachel, won't leave now. Is fighting to even stay on this island, for Grace, for Five-0. And they've been fine. It hasn't affected the job. They've been good; even Chin and Kono don't know, and if they can hide it from Chin and Kono, then no one's figuring it out.
Nice as it would be to not have to hide. It's not like he doesn't want anyone to know -- though he's really not sure he's up to the teasing he'd have to endure from Kono. He's never been the guy to trumpet his relationship to the world, but...can this even be called that? If Steve is so derisive at the idea of him being a boyfriend, if that word rings panicked alarm bells in Danny's head?
It doesn't matter. He doesn't give a shit what they call it, as long as Steve's not shoving him away. "I said I want to be with you and I meant it. You think I didn't already know about the rest of that crap? Forget about it." Heavy Jersey accent, more mobster than cop, but he doesn't give a shit about that, either. "I'm not giving up the one good thing I've got."
That's not the job, or Grace. Even when Steve thinks it's threatening the job, or Grace. He won't let it.